Below you will find my unedited thoughts – messy, circular, unfiltered. There's truth in letting thoughts exist in their raw state. The sudden jumps, the loops of worry, the contradictions... this is what change actually feels like from the inside. In these raw moments, between the certainty and doubt, lives the real story of what it means to grow.
i need to email ____ i think she will be great for analogue
i’m not working out enough i need to sign up for hot yoga every day for the rest of the week
am i giving myself enough grace? i had a surgical procedure last week and have another surgery at the end of this week
my grandfather passed away over the weekend and i have yet to process any of it
it feels too scary to process this now but i would be stupid to not process this now because it will come to bite me in the ass later
fuck i forgot i need to get a dental cleaning
i should probably make a follow up appt with my family doc to get a referral to the psychiatrist
i need to go to the pharmacy to get my refill of my medication (ugh)
i want to get off this medication
also sucks to pay for it without health insurance!!!!!
what if analogue doesnt work
maybe i shouldnt have turned down ____ job
doechii though did The Thing
five years ago “thank god i got fired”
today “thank god for my first grammy”
listening to doechii on the dissect podcast — she talked about how she started to post one song/rap every day to document her journey and to keep a streak and to believe in herself and not delete what she was posting
kinda like me! same exact intention! to stop deleting and censoring herself out of insecurity.. and just forget about the outcome
she ended up forgetting about it
some of the songs now made it big when fans found them and ended up also going on her mixtape that won her a grammy
so maybe doing these essays in so much vulnerability isn’t that bad after all
but i’m not doechii and who knows if i’ll be seen in the way she is
do i have it in me to keep facing myself over and over again
well i have a 100% track record so far and i trust myself enough — so probably yes
but what if i get complacent
are my priorities in order
should i not be thinking so much about fashion and makeup and self expression
i love to collect things and buy things. is that going to get me in trouble
am i living on the edge too much
in the name of self-expression, am i ruining my future?
does “all-in” mean to just do The Thing .. all the time?
does that mean spending every possible moment doing it
does that mean i shouldn’t be thinking about anything else
i think i have an inherent sense of shame because of this
but i also know that this is not something i need to or want to happen by tomorrow or next year or five years from now. this is my life’s work and to sustain this over a long period of time, i need to pace myself and be able to take care of myself
but why does that feel so counter intuitive to me
i wish this felt natural to me
i wish i didnt have so much shame and guilt around rest and other interests of mine
i feel like i’m supposed to give up this stuff and only read about history of innovation
but tbh thats not me
so im not going to do that
i can read all the things
because there is so much to learn everywhere
that literally is my edge though
to come at it with joy and abundance and antidisciplinarity
i should email the professor from ___
i think the reason why i havent been able to do this isnt because i cant or that im not ready
it’s because i’m scared to dive into the deep end
i feel like i need more preparation and start with “low stakes” people
although this is so hypocritical because i spent saturday morning this past weekend trying to convince my friend to go Do The Thing rather than trying to finish med school then getting an MBA and then Doing The Thing
i’m doing the same thing in a different font
i also cant stop thinking about how i feel wrong for existing when i’m home in calgary
it feels like every decision of mine gets quietly scrutinized
and maybe it doesnt anymore and i revert back to my childhood self
but it sucks
i cant actually be present doing anything because im constantly in a state of fear — there is going to be a problem with my choices
but its not going to happen now, i know that
it’s so deeply engrained inside me though that i cannot breathe or think or relax the tension in my body
i think this has been one of the biggest causes for me issues with self-belief (in my own choices) and self-trust
needing validation from the ones who are supposed to give it to you unconditionally .. not cool
anyhoo we bigger n better n more aware i guess let us move on
^^^^ this entire dialogue happens in my head before i can release the tension.
how do i shorten this loop?
this time in my life feels so special, i want to cherish every moment of it and enjoy it
i want to enjoy and be present for when the big moments, that are about to happen
i want to be present for the hardship and getting through that hardship and proving to myself with small wins
it feels so good to do this for myself
to take a bet on myself and actually make it happen
it feels so fulfilling and i feel so grateful to be in a position to
1. have the audacity to do it and not succumb to scarcity completely and going to work another stupid job in biotech
2. have / been awarded the resources to be able to do this
3. to my past self for doing The Work and preparing myself for this, both in a practical sense, but also in a spiritual sense. changing my beliefs and values and habits and consistently challenging myself to be better. always. be. better.
i should really fold my laundry and change my sheets and take a shower and get to bed at a reasonable time and sleep for 10 hours
i hate laundry so much
what should i do tomorrow
definitely hot yoga again
i only have one call tomorrow. should i cancel it and go somewhere to read
reading anything rn gives me anxiety because i havent logged my previous reads yet, which i will
but what do i even read
if i read something on fundraising, i feel the pressure to do stuff right away
if i read something innovation related, i feel like i should read the most important thing on that list, which i dont know what it is and i have to make the correct decision
if i read something unrelated, then i feel guilty and unproductive but this is probably what i need most
but theres so many other things i can be doing with my time
i need to sit down and waste some time doing ____ for ____
it feels so stupid bc it’s just a detail required by the government but it is a complete waste of my time but i have to do it
it would also be stupid to outsource it bc maybe i’ll learn something about the system
ugh it would take me only like 2 hours to apply for ____ why dont i just do it
feels like i need to do X, Y and Z before i can do this
but do it really? probably not
i guess it all just feels so high stakes now
do i really have “nothing to lose” if it all feels high stakes now?
i dont want to lose what i have built by making a stupid mistake because i am me
but i also cannot let it paralyze me
today i submitted A Big Thing. i should celebrate that i guess
at this electric juncture in my life, i'm committing to 30 days of micro-essays – a variation of my earlier ‘50 days of writing’ from 2023. while most pieces will be personal reflections mapping this transformative period, others will explore and crystallize ideas surrounding my company. writing, after all, has always been my way of making sense of pivotal moments.
you can follow along in two ways: subscribe to this substack to receive each micro-essay as it's born, landing directly in your inbox. or, if you prefer a weekly rhythm, these pieces will find their way into my newsletter – a consolidated journey of the week's thoughts, revelations and musings. your choice, your rhythm.
Shocking how I identify with all of this (down to hating laundry and specializing in studying innovation!) If it helps, the only way I’ve discovered to let myself off the hook is to mandate a minimum work day — which is just 4 hours — and allowing myself to feel done when I’ve put in that much time. Of course, most days I work way more than that, but in my head, I don’t feel guilty on the days I do just that much.
Great writing as always. Thanks for putting these thoughts into words, helps me figure out some of my own hang ups :)