i want to be simultaneously left alone and desperately wanted
i noticed myself writing in my journal this morning
in therapy this week, something emerged about the hermit-depression i have previously found comfort in. my childhood bedroom wraps around me and i want to let myself sink deeper into this familiar darkness. i haven't allowed this in years because the fear pulses loud - what if i go too deep, what if i can't find my way back to the surface?
this is exactly how some of my therapy sessions go
the stimulants have kept me afloat, pushed me toward achievement after achievement, kept my head above water. they've helped me build a life that looks like living. but underneath, this pull toward the void persists. my body remembers the weight of withdrawal, the strange peace in being completely unstimulated, untethered from the world's expectations.
even as i write this, i feel the desperate urge to make meaning of it all - to frame this descent as necessary, as healing, as something profound. my words want to shape this into a story of growth, of conscious choice. but maybe that's just another way i resist The Hole, by trying to give it purpose. by refusing to let it simply be what it is: a darkness i'm drawn to, a disconnection i crave, even as i fear it.
something in me yearns for that complete disconnect, that absolute solitude. maybe there are some desires we never fully understand, some contradictions we never resolve.
in a life dedicated to seeking discomfort for so-called growth, it can be comforting to wallow in nostalgia
notes
daria was an adult animated series on MTV from 1997 to 2002. i moved to the west in 2010, and in trying to understand myself and catch up with a new world, i dove into everything i could find. this is why my friends sometimes laugh and say how do you know everything - turns out being a depressed but deeply curious teenager means you absorb a lot
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at this electric juncture in my life, i'm committing to 30 days of micro-essays – a variation of my earlier ‘50 days of writing’ from 2023. while most pieces will be personal reflections mapping this transformative period, others will explore and crystallize ideas surrounding my company. writing, after all, has always been my way of making sense of pivotal moments.
you can follow along in two ways: subscribe to this substack to receive each micro-essay as it's born, landing directly in your inbox. or, if you prefer a weekly rhythm, these pieces will find their way into my newsletter – a consolidated journey of the week's thoughts, revelations and musings. your choice, your rhythm.