slipping through the cracks upwards
approaching yellow lights at full speed
i wrote this piece during a moment of doubt last year, when i was on the verge of giving up. in a twist of fate, the very next day i received news of a grant that would propel my work forward. when i included this essay in my 2024 year-in-review, the warm response from my community convinced me it was time to share it more widely
i'm sitting in my new york city apartment at 11:01pm on a thursday night in august of 2024. it's quiet. the air conditioning is going at full blast. i've had a day full of meetings, embodying a version of myself i'm not entirely sure exists.
the notification pings: your apple card payment is due in 2 days. my heart races as i glance at the calendar—visa expiration looming, $ ███ owed, with a dream that feels simultaneously within reach and impossibly distant.
every major decision in my life has felt like approaching a yellow light at full speed. that heart-stopping moment of calculation—can i make it through? should i slam on the brakes? the safe choice is always to stop, to wait for the next green light that might never come. but i've built a life out of accelerating through these moments, my hands gripping the wheel so tight my knuckles turn white.
on paper, my career might seem 'successful' for my age—i’ve founded companies, taken on bespoke roles at cool AI companies, and navigated high-stakes opportunities. but beneath the surface, each step felt precarious, like i was walking a tightrope with no safety net. those moments mirror how i feel now: standing at another yellow light, heart racing, unsure if i’m heading toward disaster or possibility. but this is the pattern: somehow, against all my fears, i end up being okay. i end up slipping through the cracks upwards – not falling into failure, but unexpectedly rising above what seemed possible. it’s as though these cracks, instead of pulling me down, have become unlikely pathways to growth and opportunity.
over the past few years, my life has been marked by significant change: multiple moves, countries, jobs, a graduate degree. each shift has been a step on an unconventional path, a continuous slipping through cracks that somehow always lead upwards. which almost makes me question if i deserve to be there in the first place. am i fooling everyone?
the thing about yellow lights is that you never know if you've made the right choice until you're already through the intersection. sometimes i catch glimpses of myself in the rearview mirror, watching the light turn red behind me, and i wonder how many more of these moments i can survive. but then i remember: every meaningful thing i've ever achieved came from refusing to hit the brakes when everything inside me screamed to stop.
recently, i was let go from a job that never felt quite right. objectively, it's a black mark on my record. subjectively, it feels like both a failure and a relief—another crack through which i might slip towards something greater. because despite this setback, there's momentum building. people are starting to believe in my idea. investors have trickled in. a list of advisors grows longer by the week. i'm so close to something big, i can taste it.
yet the doubt creeps in, insidious and persistent. am i really qualified for this? maybe those previous successes were just mistakes on their part. i don't have the pedigree of harvard or stanford, no stint at google or meta to lend credibility to my ambitions. the daughter of a bus driver, what if i'm not "cookie-cutter" enough for the investors who could make or break this dream?
in my darkest moments, i wonder if i should accept mediocrity. take a regular tech job1, let go of this wild ambition to create something truly groundbreaking. but then i remember: this is how i've always operated. slipping through the cracks, yes, but always upwards. finding opportunities where others see dead ends. creating possibilities out of thin air and sheer determination.
Dreams are fun when they are distant. The imagination loves to play with possibilities when there is no risk of failure.
But when you find yourself on the verge of action, you pause. You can feel the uncertainty of what lies ahead. Thoughts swirl. Maybe this isn’t the right time? Failure is possible now.
In that moment—in that short pause that arises when you stand face to face with your dream—is the entirety of life. What you do in that pause is the crucible that forges you. It is the dividing line between being the type of person who thinks about it or the type of person who goes for it.
When I really think about it, I want that moment to be my legacy. Not that I won or lost. Not that I looked good or looked like a fool. But that when I had something I really wanted to do, I went for it.” – James Clear
so here I am, with $██ to my name and a vision worth millions. slipping through the cracks isn’t about avoiding failure—it’s about finding unconventional paths to something greater. it’s knowing that every crack has the potential to reveal new opportunities if i have the courage to keep climbing. success isn’t just the destination; it’s the act of choosing faith over fear and moving forward, even when the next step is unclear.
i keep driving forward, hands steady on the wheel, ready for the next intersection.
i recognize that my worst case scenario being a 6 figure tech job is a privilege lol